An anxious-repulsive relationship is a type of bond where restlessness, possessiveness, and insecurity dominate. In principle, it is due to unresolved issues in those who establish this kind of connection. However, there are other times where anxious behaviors are also triggered or nurtured by the other partner.
Some say that paranoid people can also be persecuted, and that is more or less what happens in an anxious-repulsive relationship. There is a basic sense of insecurity, but the person who feels it is not the same as the one who either nourishes or triggers it. In other words, one of the partners may nurture the anxious attachment.
It is not easy to distinguish a person with anxious attachment from one whose partner is certainly evasive and triggers anxiety. For the same reason, there are many people in such a situation who cannot answer a simple question. Is it my insecurity that makes me anxious, or is it my partner’s behavior?
An anxious-rejecting relationship
Anxious attachment, also called “ambivalent attachment,” is a form of bondage in which there is a great desire for intimacy with one’s lover. At the same time, however, there is a deep fear of losing this person. This feeling leads to an anxious interpretation of any manifestation, even if minimal, of distancing or rejection.
In fact, an anxious person interprets many types of behaviors that involve either distancing or rejection in this way. Therefore, they have a high degree of distrust of their partner and everything related to it is prevalent in the end. Moreover, there is a disproportionate reaction to countless forms of behavior that do not deserve it.
In these cases, the partner’s response is quite important. Ideally, you should adopt an understanding attitude and know that this anxiety sometimes stems from deep insecurities and unresolved traumas. A person with anxious attachment needs more warmth and confirmation from his partner. Therefore, anxiety will decrease if the person feels safe.
The evasive partner
People with an anxious attachment do not need a person to take responsibility for their insecurities and fears. However, they also do not need anyone to make them feel insecure.
An evasive partner does just that. In fact, they increase their partner’s anxiety, which reinforces this harmful form of attachment. While for the most part they may not even realize it, they can also use it as a powerful game.
An evasive partner is a partner who flees or remains silent in the face of conflict. Moreover, it is a partner who wants a quick solution to a problem without really diving into what is going on.
It can also be someone who intellectualizes everything and does not let his emotions come to the surface. Likewise, it can be a partner who gets annoyed or uncomfortable when he or she is confronted with his or her partner’s emotional expression.
Another characteristic feature of this type of person is their emotional lack of accessibility. It is quite harmful for an anxious person to have a partner who does not want to be fully in a relationship and avoids obligations by insisting that they do not want any “bonds”.
They can also ridicule or downplay emotions. This kind of behavior only leads to insecurity in their partner.
Is it me? Or is it my partner?
It is often difficult to know when you are trapped in an anxious-repulsive relationship because one of you cannot cope with certain inappropriate behaviors. Maybe you have no attachment issues, but become anxious and insecure when your partner says and does things that lead to unresolved conflicts.
To know if you are trapped in an anxious-avoiding relationship because you feel uncomfortable in it, you need to identify if that fear is completely valid. For example, you may be afraid to:
- Your lover is not as committed as you are.
- You cannot resolve conflicts because your partner refuses to confront them.
- You will not be heard or understood by your partner.
- You feel extremely vulnerable.
You may have an elusive partner if any of these things are present in your relationship. Other things, such as the fear of losing your lover, the fear that he or she will stop loving you or fall in love with someone else, are signs of an overabundance of anxious attachment in your relationship rather than an evasive partner overall.